Newsletter 04
It’s Okay To Not Be Okay
Toxic Positivity vs. Genuine Emotional Processing
Sometimes healing doesn't begin with feeling better. Sometimes, it begins with finally allowing ourselves to feel.
A friend of mine failed one of her examinations.
Within a few days, everyone around her told her, “Everything happens for the best.”
Many shared quotes on social media, telling her, “It’s a sign from the universe.”
When I asked her what she said, she replied with a smile, “I just said thank you.”
But when she was going back, she stopped by a park, sat there for nearly 30 minutes, and cried her heart out before she could go back home.
What actually happened here?
Did she go through emotional processing, or was she surrounded by people who were unintentionally spreading toxic positivity?
01 · Understanding
What is toxic positivity?
Optimism is a genuine belief that a person holds by processing the fact that things can improve for them even if it’s really bad.
A question we ask here is: Is toxic positivity the same as optimism?
The answer is no.
Toxic positivity is the belief that an individual should maintain a positive mindset regardless of how severe or difficult a situation is.
Instead of acknowledging emotions, people are encouraged to push them away with statements such as:
Everything happens for a reason.
It’s a sign from the universe.
Stay positive.
And let's get honest here: such statements aren't evil at all. The people saying them often genuinely mean well. They simply don't know what could comfort us at that particular moment.
But an individual might still not feel completely supported. They may feel misunderstood, or even begin to believe that their emotions are somehow too much.
02 · Going deeper
The Story Behind Emotional Processing
Our emotions aren't random — they exist for a reason.
James Gross, known for his work in emotional regulation, has contributed extensively to our understanding of how people regulate and suppress emotions.
When we avoid our emotions, they don't simply vanish. Suppressing difficult emotions can be associated with increased psychological and physiological stress.
Think of emotions as an ocean.
Oceans have waves. We can try holding back the waves with our hands, but even when we try to, they eventually end up crashing over us.
Pause & reflect
What am I feeling?
Healthy emotional processing occurs when we recognize our emotions without judgment.
How am I feeling right now?
Why am I feeling this way?
What do I need at this moment?
Asking ourselves these questions doesn't mean we live in a world of sadness. It means letting our emotions travel through us instead of pretending they never existed.
03 · The difference
Toxic Positivity vs. Genuine Emotional Processing
The major difference lies in acceptance.
Toxic positivity says
- × Cheer up.
- × Stay positive.
- × Stay strong.
- × Everything happens for a reason.
Emotional processing says
- ✓ That sounds really difficult.
- ✓ It's absolutely okay to cry.
- ✓ You don't have to stay strong always.
Emotional processing doesn't always solve the issue. But it creates emotional safety.
People don't always need solutions. Sometimes, they just need to be heard.
04 · Social media
The “Good Vibes Only” Culture
Let's take Instagram Reels as an example. We scroll through them and see people having perfect vacations, following perfect routines, and captions encouraging us to always choose happiness.
There is nothing wrong with celebrating beautiful moments. But constant, curated positivity can create unrealistic expectations.
We may begin to assume that everyone else is living perfectly, while our own struggles start to feel like failures.
Social comparison
Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed Social Comparison Theory, which explains that comparing ourselves with others is a natural part of human behaviour.
When we're repeatedly exposed to carefully curated versions of other people's lives, our own struggles can feel disproportionately large.
05 · Strength
Does feeling our emotions make us stronger?
Yes.
Much of the confusion begins because people assume emotional processing is the same as emotional weakness.
But the reality is almost the opposite.
People who acknowledge and regulate their emotions can develop greater resilience over time.
Resilience isn't the absence of emotions. It's the ability to experience them without allowing them to completely define us.
A lesson we learn early
Let's look at children.
When a child falls, they often immediately start crying.
What we often say
“Stop crying.”
What emotional recognition sounds like
“Did that hurt?”
The first response can teach emotional suppression. The second teaches emotional recognition.
And the same principle applies to adults.
06 · Try this instead
What do we say instead?
Instead of reaching for automatic positivity, we can offer something much more powerful: our presence.
Instead of
“You'll get over it.”
Try saying
“I'm here.”
“That sounds tough.”
“You're not alone in this.”
“Your feelings are valid.”
Sometimes a person doesn't want advice. They just want understanding.
Final Thoughts
Our life was never designed
to live with a single emotion.
Joy feels real and meaningful because sadness exists. We appreciate relief because we have experienced anxiety, and we value hope because we have lived through uncertainty.
Being emotionally strong doesn't mean pretending everything is fine. It's about having the courage to face uncertain emotions that are uncomfortable — without shame.
Healing does not begin when we stop feeling.
It begins when we allow ourselves to experience every emotion within ourselves, without judgement.
